Ok so this is something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. I briefly touched on this in my about me section but I wanna dig deeper with you all now. A lot of the stuff surrounding this I carry great shame about but I realized that I need to share this to help myself and most importantly to help others. My journey has been a lifelong one with many lows and some highs.. So ill start at the point where I was figuring this out.
“Something has been taken from deep inside of me
A secret I’ve kept locked away no one can ever see
Wounds so deep they never show, they never go away
Like moving pictures in my head, for years and years they’ve played” – LP
When I hit my teens I think for me that’s when it really began to show and to others as well. For my friends they just I dunno maybe ignored it and thought I was being dramatic and family thought I was just difficult I guess.. (being a moody, angsty teenager or whatever). This was so hard for me because I was struggling and hurting so badly.. I really needed help and I just wasn’t getting it. I had so much self hatred & I felt everything so deeply it was like being stabbed.
“I feel the ice cold dagger
Make its way between by ribs again
I stand before disaster
Defiantly alive and suffocate” – Trivium
I felt so much pain and confusion.. I hurt myself in every way.. smoking & drinking excessively, cutting and burning myself, not eating, over exercising, not protecting my heart, making poor decisions & being sexually promiscuous. I am not proud of a lot of things but I felt alone and didn’t know what to do.. being a teenager is hard enough without all the extra baggage.
“It’s easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It’s so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone” – LP
I was really growing as a person in my teenage years and my family just didn’t understand me at all and felt the person I was becoming was just a phase. Yes I wasn’t a particularly nice person all the time but I don’t think I could help that. I thought I was so fat and would starve myself most of the time, just drinking alcohol & smoking. I felt joy in hurting myself in any way I could think of.. My family would see the cuts and ask about them but I would just pull away and shrug it off, they never got any help for me or did anything. Sometimes I would be out with friends and be upset and hurt myself.. they did nothing either.
“Every time I’m left alone
My misery begins to drown me
Tied by a rope of anxiety
Thrown overboard” – Trivium
So really I guess my reasons for writing this are to bring awareness in light of some recent tragic events that have happened and hit me hard.. as well as my own personal tragedies.
I really felt overwhelmed and crazy with it all most of the time. My outlet & thing that really saved me at that point in my life and that is still crucial as ever is music. Listening to certain artists songs whose lyrics were so relatable.
“I’m holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
To so much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down
If I just let go, I’d be set free” – LP
Going forward in time to much recent years I’ve been on every kind of antidepressant type drug for the past 8,9 years now. I’ve seen GPS, Counselors, psychiatrists.. the works. Our NHS is by no means perfect and feel that its let me and my MH down a lot but at least I kind of having something in place. The drugs I take every day just kinda even things out a bit.. makes it a little easier to keep going.
I tried to commit suicide once and was taken to hospital. I was so grief stricken and also about to lose my home..I felt alone with no support system. That was rock bottom I had reached and was determined to not feel that way again and do better.
“This weight is so unbearable caving my lungs
All my life seems to be flashing in front of my eyes
Run away from all the pain, all the Pain in life.
Run away from the pain of life”
“She’d rather let the ocean take her inside it’s wake
Let the water fill her lungs like the air she hates to breathe
Now lost at sea” – Trivium
Its been 2 years since I took the overdose and I’ve had some pretty bad times where I hated that i had woken up to live another day and just constantly thought about giving up. The thing that keeps me here and gets me out of these moments is knowing what its like for those that are left behind. I’ve lost 2 people close to me through suicide and I honestly feel like I couldn’t put my best friend, my sister and her kids through it. I can’t even begin to describe how it feels to be left behind, wallowing in your grief and misery. So I try to be strong when really I’m alone and feel like I’m drowning.. suffocating.
“Rise, rise above the tides
The waves will pull you under if you don’t fight
Rise, rise above the tides
Don’t allow yourself to give up on life” – Trivium
I discovered these 2 albums when they were released and they saved me. I still listen to them constantly. Matt & Chester always talked about their struggles and not just through their music. It gives so much strength to kids & people all over the world who know they aren’t alone.
I hope that you can get something from this, that you understand it and know that you aren’t alone. So many suffer in silence or don’t help those that need it.
I dedicate this to Chester Bennington, Chris Cornell,
my friend Sammy West & for all those who also suffer in their mind.
“Who cares if one more light goes out
In the sky of a million stars
It flickers, flickers
Who cares when someone’s time runs out
If a moment is all we are
Or quicker, quicker
Who cares if one more light goes out
Well I do” – LP
Call 111, option 2
Find your countries crisis line here
www.theblackdog.net – Mens site for depression and/or suicidal thoughts
http://www.healthtalk.org – Others share who have been bereaved by suicide